Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2013 20:05:00 GMT -5
There were often days when Xayden felt as though all hope was lost, and he fell into a fit of depression so strong that he chose to hide away from everyone, and everything. On days like those he couldn't even find the motivation to even try to fake a smile. He felt as though he were constantly in pain, as though his heart were constantly breaking no matter what he did to try and fix it. His hand moved up to grasp at the material of his shirt that lay directly where his heart was in a vain attempt to console it. His eyes squeezed shut, and a pained cry left his lips as images of Mattie, his Matte, filled his mind.
Images of a cute blond Fin smiling, and laughing. Images of their times together, both happy and light hearted, and cold and serious. They had been so young, and their relationship at some point had been so sweet and so full of promise. What had gone wrong? He had done everything. Everything to try and keep Mattie both safe and happy. Then for some reason, it had all gone wrong. He could still see the dark blue eyes, he could still feel the pain, and hear the cruel laughter. Even in his dreams he was no longer safe. It was all haunting him, and at the moment he was almost sure that he would never get the chance to fully heal, that he would never get the chance to be normal again. He felt as if he were living in a never ending nightmare, and at times he just wanted to end it all. He didn't want to feel pain anymore, he didn't want to feel anything anymore.
Images of his brothers, and his father flashed through his mind, and a pained cry left his throat. Tears flew freely from his eyes, and he curled in on himself. The silence of the locker rooms was destroyed by his quiet pain-filled cries. Images of his friends filled his mind only adding to the guilt and heartache that he felt. He was pathetic. He was so damn pathetic and he knew it. He wondered what they would all do if they saw him lying on the floor in the locker rooms, crying like a little child because of something that had happened in the past. Would they laugh at him, would they scorn him? Or would they abandon him, and leave him alone to waste away, as their image of their strong champion left them disappointed. He was not strong, not in the least. He was weak, he always had been.
He was the type of person that could only feign strength when the situation called for it, in reality he couldn't even hold a candle to the people who were truly strong, and he was tired of pretending. He wanted things to go back to the way they once were. Back when he felt no pain, back before everything that had happened.
Back before he knew Mattie.