Crash and Burn

[Ren Satoshi]

Never in his life had he felt this cold. It was as if his blood had turned to ice and there was no remedy for such coldness. He was rapidly approaching 40 and still there was no joy to be had in his life. Anyone he ever wanted to love had pushed him away with such severity that one might think he was the devil in disguise. His nerves were on the line, fraying and diminishing, and it was taking more Valium to keep him in his calm state than normal.

But, as usual, no one cared.

Finally, he couldn't take it anymore and appirated with a loud pop to the front of Takumi's house in London. That night, it was raining as if the storm of the century were at hand. His children were staying with their grandmother in Kamakura for the weekend, while he was pounding desperately at the wooden door that seperated him from his twin brother. As the rain soaked him and the cold seeped through, he was aware of the hot stinging in his eyes.

"Taki...open up...!" His voice was breaking, thick, laden in the decades of sorrow that passed through him.

In that instant, the door was flung back and Ren could not stop himelf from hurling himself into his brother's house and clinging to him as if he were the last thing on this earth that might save him from himself. "I didn't know where else to go...please, don't make me go home...I need you...please..."

Takumi could tell without him having to say so that he was needed. He ushered his brother into the living room just before he started sobbing. Well, this was new and highly unexpected. He was clinging to Takumi as tightly as possible without hurting him, his head buried in his shoulder as his broken heart bled through his eyes.

"I can't live like this...I can't keep doing this...I hate my life more every single fucking day! I'm living in this numb...dull...meaningless....HELL laced in Valium and LIQUOR!!! How is that for a life?? No one wants to pick me up, they all just kick me while I'm down. Nevermind that I've been down for 20 fucking years. I'm ready to just let the next dragon just...fucking roast me." Takumi knew that Ren's condition was hard for him to cope with, but it was also not the only factor to his lifestyle decline. His whole soul was broken into pieces.

"Don't talk like that. You'll do no such thing."

Ren looked up at him, tears streaming down his face and Takumi could feel the shattering feeling deep within his own chest. "You think I'm being over dramatic again, don't you?"

Wait...there were no mascara trails down his eyes, no eyeliner smudges, no lipgloss sheen. Was his brother not wearing makeup today?

"Ren...are you not made up today?" The shock was hard to mask.

"I...no. I'm not. I just...I don't care anymore. Who really cares? I've been alone so long that I just don't give a damn anymore. There's no reason to look like a queen when you're the fucking peasant." Another series of sobs shook his frame and Takumi eased both of them into the comfort of his couch near the fire and cradled his exact replica's frame in his arms, rocking him from side to side as every sob broke his heart more.

He had been there to see his last attempt to date someone and it had ended something similar to this, though they had both been 24 then. His date had only agreed to see him because he had lost a bet. It ended the same way, with Takumi holding him as he fell apart.

This was why Takumi was scared to death of love. He'd watched his twin fall apart every single time his heart was destroyed and now there was likely no chance to repair the damage that had been done.

The shaking slowed and Takumi looked down gently at him as a very thin voice spoke, "I love you...please don't make me leave..."

"I love you, I wouldn't dream of it."

[Ren Satoshi]

It seemed as if he cried for days, locked in the safety of his brother's home. His children were taken care of, his parents notified of the arrangements, and Takumi was more than content to ease his brother into calmness. Ren had been through a lot in the last couple of decades.

On this particular day, Takumi was away from the house, and Ren was laying flat on his back and staring up at the ceiling with a blank expression. Carefully, he drew a photograph from his pocket and gazed at it silently for a few long moments. Those...those were the days. Akio...had been the only one after...well...after his most damaging relationship he had wanted that had made him feel something other than suffocated by anxiety. He stared so intently at the photo that he could swear that Akio was gazing into his eyes and reaching out for him to touch him like he had done in the past.

Scars on his heart opened like a feeble covering on a gaping wound and he lowered the picture to full, quivering lips as his eyes stung. "I'm so sorry...I should have been so much more to you. It's no one's fault but my own. I did love you. I promise you I did. I know I never showed it to you. Merlin...if I could take that back, I would, if it meant you would...be here."

Tears slid down his face again and his heart slowly began to break, he could see the events surrounding that disaster all over again.

He was getting married. En...was getting married. He didn't want to know it, he didn't want to believe it. His heart had prayed for year that he might remember him and seek him out. No. It was not the case. He was trying so hard to forget about him and focus on Akio's smile beside him as they stared up at the stars. All he could see was the years of heckling between him and En, those drunken kisses, his dominance in claiming his skin as he hissed his hatred for what he did to him. His mind was far away, and it normally was.

Akio rolled over onro his stomach and finally looked down at him, "Ren...are you upset about something?"

"...No, why do you think that?"

"You've been so quiet since I told you about...you know..."

Ren's eyes spaced again, drowning out the sound of Akio's sweet tenor. He'd been so tempted to beg En for just once chance, just one, he wouldn't be so dramatic, he'd stop with the makeup, anything...

"Ren!"

"Yes?"

"I need to know something."

"Yes?" He said again.

"Do you even love me?"

Automatically, he responded, "Yes..."

"Then kiss me. Not those cheap little kisses you always give. Kiss me."

Ren leaned up and captured his lips in what had begun as a soft and barely there sort of kiss, but the beating of his heart suddenly drove him to claiming those lips in a hunger that he'd only ever felt once. He was grabbing the boy's body in ways he'd never wanted to before, and making him make sounds he'd never heard before.

Merlin, he loved those sounds.

His lips latched to his neck and he trembled at the soft whisper of his name as it fled the boy's lips, "Ren..."

Then, it happened. It slipped. "En..."

The boy sat bolt upright and shoved him off of him. "En?? Ren, what the hell?! Why did you call me En?!"

Ren's eyes closed tightly. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. "I'm sorry! It slipped!"

The boy sprang to his feet with tears running down his face, "Ren, he never wanted you! And you know what? Neither do I!"

It was the broken heart talking, but those words settled deep into his heart and he audibly gasped as the boy's angry face contorted with sobs and he ran from the gardens.

"FINE! JUST RUN AWAY FROM ME!! I NEVER WANTED YOU!"

All viscious lies.

He never saw him again.

Now that he looked at that photograph, he ached. He'd given up on ever feeling like that again. There were moments with Akio that he'd forgotten En had ever existed and those were the most beautiful moments in his existence. With pain surging through him, he lay that picture upon his heart and squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as he could, until his vision went white.

"I was cruel to you...I was cruel to everyone after him...everyone. I swear...I'm done hurting people and I'm so sick of hurting. Just rest there, my sweet prince. Listen to my heart slow until it stops."

There was a soft rattle of pills in a bottle and the soft pop of the lid coming off as his gaze didn't move from the ceiling. The plastic pressed to his lips...and the pills fell into an open mouth, swallowed as if the amount meant nothing. After the first dozen, his hand lost grip and dropped the bottle as foam rose between coughing lips. His body twitched violently as he seized, unable to breathe with the foam escaping his mouth. His hand rested on the picture upon his heart and he was ready to die, just as his brother returned into the house.

"Ren, I'm home. Ren? REN?!"

The next thing he was aware of was the airway spell crashing over him and oxygen rushing to his lungs. "No! NOO! What are you doing?!"

Takumi shook him violently before picking him up. Just before he appirated to Saint Mungo's with him, he looked down at him and said, "I'm saving you from yourself."

[Ren Satoshi]

Ren's head ached so badly he thought he might cry. He had woken in Takumi's bed again, clinging to his body feebly. "Taki...Taki...wake up..."

A very groggy groan left his twin, "What?"

"I want to go home."

Takumi struggled to roll over inside his brother's grasp and looked at him. "Home? Why? We can just stay here."

His eyes were filling up again, "I miss my kids, I miss the trees, I miss Aito...and Sayuri...I want to go home."

Takumi could see through it, "You miss En. You miss Akio. You miss feeling loved despite it killing you when no one stays."

Ren was quiet, and in the light from the street gleamed off the streams on his face.

"I'm sorry! It was uncalled for me to talk like that to you. You don't need me being like everyone else." He reached out to comfort him, only to be greeted by the swift recoil of his body and the still fully dressed Asian moving through the room.

"Hey! Get back here!"

Too late, Ren was out of the flat and walking down the street with his hands stuffed in his pockets, teardrops lost on the street. Was it so wrong to want love even if he didn't deserve it?

Surely someone would take the pain away.

Before it consumed him.

[Ren Satoshi]

Hundreds of faces. Nameless, expressionless faces to go along with the shadowed bodies that walked the London streets as the quiet male made his way through the throngs of people. At times, a street light would offer some form of release from the bleakness of this world. Clouds covered the stars in the sky and clouded over every memory within his heart. He could feel the charge in the air that the impending storm was bringing and it made his heart beat madly. Strong, searing beats were dancing through his body, dancing in rhythm to the thunder rumbling in the background.

Dancing...

That was how I wanted most to stare into your eyes...

And as you gazed into hers, I watched you. I watched your heart vanish from being yours and yours alone and settle into her delicate hands and slip through my fingers. As you looked up, our eyes met again...and then mine lowered as I did my best to let you begin your life anew.

I promised I would stay away from you as much as it killed me.

It was the most unselfish thing I had ever done, leaving Japan once we graduated. I would endure my daily hell alone as I should be, and you...you had it all.

Her heart...

And mine.

The rain started falling within the Royal Gardens and the tall frame that had been shouldering wordlessly between people slowed in its movements and the head lifted to gaze at the sky. The rain started to fall upon his face and it coaxed a very slow forming smile. Water slid down those pale cheeks and grazed down naked lips.

I won't breathe, but it's okay.

You always had such a gaze on me when I danced in the rain, and even if you scorned me for my carelessness, you couldn't hide it from me.

I can still see the rain slicking your hair and the way it clung to your face...and you were free.

Free with me.

Tears mixed with the slowly falling rain drops as thin fingers pifted to brush the drops over full lips. The sensation made the figure's black eyes close and warm breath mixed with dropping temperatures and turn into a soft white cloud. He was imagining it all again, being young and carefree again. Being happy and in love again.

Being alive again.

It wasn't long before the drops were unrelenting and he spun slowly with his arms extended and his eyes upward as he always had done before. The smile over his lips was one of better days and easier times. Back when he still cared for his life and when he had no reason to let the rain wash away the years of tears that fell from his heart. There was so much to live for, and so much to hope for and in his smile for a fleeting moment...he was 17 again.

Dancing in the rain.

A rumble started in his stomach and escaped in a strangled sound as his body moved faster, free-er, and it wasn't until those tears fell as hard as the rain that he realized he was laughing. Laughing...and dancing...

What was it about your lips that kept me needing you?

I was supposed to be your friend, but I loved you so selfishly.

I stole your kisses for the sake of my smiles and the sake of my laughter.

But...you loved it just as much as I did. At least, I think you did.

"En...dance with me."

"En...dance with me." When he opened his eyes, the smile lingered for just a moment before hot tears ran over the slopes of his lips.

"You never did like dancing did you?"

"You never...did like dancing...did you?" His voice was breaking as his tongue passed over his lips, astounded by the taste of his own tears. Everything reminded him of better times anymore.

"Next time, then? You promise?"

"Next time...you promise?" He inhaled and his arms dropped before he sat down in the quiet and the rain fall. No matter how wet he got, the man did not move. He was hunched over, staring at his reflection in the puddle forming at his feet with a quiet and reflective smile. For the first time in his life, his broken heart saw perfection within his sorrow and peace before his face upturned to the sky again.

Next time...there never was one.

Your gaze was turned away from me for days at a time as she captured you so easily.

You never saw me falling apart, and sitting alone in the rain.

Always waiting.

"I'll always wait for you...you know that. Always."

"I've waited 20 years...and I'm still waiting. I promised you I would."

It was just another day closer to 21 years, and every day...he knew he would die waiting like this.

In the rain. Alone.

And still waiting.

[Ren Satoshi]

"Ungh."

Always upon waking, the first thing I need to do is find my pills. If I don't have any of them, I wind up being a total nut job. Well, at least that's what Takumi says. I rolled over in the bed that I occupied in Takumi's flat and reached blindly for that ugly brown bottle that rested on my nightstand. Merlin, help me. I feel like an addict. And maybe I am.

Addicted to the calmness inside my own head.

Addicted to the peace.

When my fingers folded around the little tube, I can't help but sigh. Here comes another dose of becoming socially acceptable for another day. However, when I bring the bottle close, I'm greeted with the sound of silence rather than the comforting rattle of the capsules inside.

"Wae?"

Empty.

Damn it.

Panic rising in my throat, I kick off the covers and check the time. The medicine from the night before was wearing off and I moved quickly through the flat, as swift as a coursing river, and summoned the owl as I scribbled out an order to St. Mungo's for the refill I'd been careless and forgotten about. I straped the parchment to the owl's leg and snt her off as qickly as I was able before turning and sitting quietly on the floor, my arms reaching up and surrounding my head, shielding it from my own view.

Idiot.

The calm wearing off reduces me to shakes and I can no longer control my thoughts. They run rampant, stabbing at my heart with their sharp little daggers.

You're hideous.

No one will ever love you.

You're a burden.

No one ever wanted you.

En.

Akio.

Remember that kid you had a crush on when you visited Hogwarts? He'd have laughed in your hideous face if you would have asked to dance with him!

Everyone always laughed in my face because of my condition. I never had peace. As I tried to rise to my feet, I caught a glimpse of my own reflection and recoiled madly from the spot.

Living HELL. What was wrong with my face?!

Granted, it was nothing to anyone on the outside, but I saw disfigring scars over my face and burn reconstructed face that only I saw. I shrieked and rexoiled back dangeruosly, colliding with the corner of Takumi's desk and sent it reeling. My hands were pawing quickly at tha flesh, tears flowing from my eyes. Great.

Meltdown ensued.